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Thursday, January 21, 2010

You take a hotdog, some Coors, some Boone's wine and a Grendel.

The true worth of a man is to be measured by the objects he pursues. - Marcus Aurelius

Well...  that kinda sucks.  Is there a catch in there?  Perhaps he meant pursues while not being a jackass?  Maybe.... What you mean to pursue when you aren't lubing up with soap and whizzing down a 100 foot slip-n-slide?  There's got to be a loophole!  I've been known to pursue a cheeseburger now and then. Nope that's not it either.  Damnit damnit damnit...  Objects?  As Jay would say, well... There's a few things Jay might say, tho neither work here very well, "I like skanky chicks!" and "I like pie!"  hmm...  Still not what we are looking for here.  Maybe it means the stuff that's in your heart, your dreams, you wants and hopes?  True love?

Boy if that's it then I've been doing it wrong.  But hey, I think there's a defense to be made in my defense defensively!  With the fine group of people I hang out with there has to be something to say about the things we have pursued yes?  Let us delve deeper.....

The pursuit of the Grendel.

Now if ever there were a pursuit that is worth mentioning it has to be Grendel.  No no no, not the monster from Beowulf, tho I am sure it would be a good fight if Jay wasn't such a jackass and remembered to put gas in it before the battle.  To the best of my knowledge, Grendel is Jay Ellingford's first true love.  It's a hard love to understand mind you with all the strange shit he has done to that truck but hey, a mans love is sometimes hard to understand.  Oh yes, here's Jay by the way....

Cute kid right? Well as you can see below he has been known to look a little skerry.

Also in his defense, he is going to kill me for that last picture obviously.  Jay has a truck.  This truck's name is Grendel.  To my knowledge it's been through 3 engines, a transfer case here and there, axles, cab, stereo equipment galore, rims, and tires ranging from street legal to holy shit big.  This is an object that Jay has pursued for many years, and I'm pretty sure he isn't done with it yet, just sidetracked with some other project at the moment!  I borrowed this truck once to likely go to the mall to buy me some kickin rad Oakleys or buy some stupid CD.  In the middle of the intersection the throttle cable just kinda fell off the carb, but in a bad bad way putting the engine at redline.  Took a phone call and climbing into the engine bay to figure out that one.  My right ear suffers from hearing loss.  You see, it's hard to find a good spot to put that 3 inch tweeter in a steel cab Chevy truck, so they are best mounted right next to your head.  Also, Judas Priest is the appropriate music to tune Grendels stereo, or create the scar tissue in my right ear, whichever.

Grendel has made Jay late for more activities than anything else could hope.  The reason was always the same, he ran out of gas.  You see when you build a racing engine and put it in a huge truck that doesn't have a fuel gauge you are pretty much screwed until someone has the bright idea to mention that perhaps you should carry a gas can with you in the back of the truck.  We saw Jay a lot more after that.  I don't get to see Jay as much as I would like, but he has moved on from Grendel and his other projects and has pursued a beautiful family instead.  I think we're safe for now as long as he doesn't try to take them apart and then try to figure out how to put them back together again in a living room somewhere.

The man with no Moss.

This, is Michael Stumph.

This fine figure of pure sexual intensity is my husband.  Well on Facebook at least.  Which yes folks, it's a joke, and yes I wish I had a dollar for all the people that wonder if it's for real.  Mike and I first met in 1995, but he came to my school to beat me up in 1993, I just didn't know it.  The only reason I beleive I met him in 1995 was that he was out of gas money or running from the lawman.  Mike has lived in more places and seen more things that anyone I know.  He was truly a gypsy there for a while...  Constantly somewhere else than here, and likely doing something that by now the statute of limitations has passed over.  As I sit here trying to come up with a proper description of this jackass there are just too many things that come to mind.  I fed him a shot this summer stirred with a hotdog, the shot being a mixture of Boone's Strawberry Hill wine, Coors, and some kind of pop?  I don't know exactly but he's where I have absorbed a lot of my more troublesome habits from I am sure.  Shad's parents will agree with me.  He's punched me, he's kissed me, he has urinated on me...  Wait...  Why do I like this guy?  Anyways for years Mike pursued the sunset, the open road, the next thing, and a life experience be damned for what happens next.  He may have pursued syphilis but I'm pretty sure he failed there.  He's pursued all the wrong women, the wrong jobs, the bottom of the bottle, the fake breast, the pidgeon's breast, and a handy cure for the hangover.

With all the trouble I have gotten into with this guy, with all the parents that eyed him with suspicion, the girls that he likely lied to that wish him dead likely to this very day, this is the face of a true lifelong friend.  Sure he may pee on you this very week in a pub, and sure he might make you nervous as hell if you have a date around him, but he's a cool cat.  With all the misdirection, the road trips, the unmentionable things that I may or may not have been part of, this is a guy that truly cares.  When I'm down I know he can cheer me up.  When I need someone else's point of view, his is usually quite different and perceptive.  But make no mistake, we're pretty sure his wife is responsible for all this behavior.  If she isn't we have a real problem because re-enacting all the crap this guy did would land a you in Gitmo.  If he ever answers an automotive question, he's lying.  If you can name a cute girl from Shelley or Firth, they hate him.  But I bet if you ask his kids who their hero is, they'll name him.  He also likely bribed them to answer "You dad!"  You never can tell with this guy.

It's getting late, so will have to continue this later, maybe we can get down to some measure of worth for me...  But there are a lot of suckers left still!

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